Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Fear of an afternoon bat attack leaves you with feelings of existential mayhem around the 4th. A telephone call on the 11th triggers swooning.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
All aquarians should be wary of the full moon on the 23rd, when an angry confrontation with Mars offers scant relief from the cusping Uranus.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)  
Whenever there are two pieces of metal being joined together you will find a piscean. If foraging for wild mushrooms on the 21st or 22nd is unavoidable, steer clear of anything which is surrounded by dead animals.

Aries (21 March-20 April)  
Your hair sign is Quango, so stay indoors. A dental appointment on the 23rd turns out to be a trick.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)  
After a long engagement, your fiancee calls the whole thing off, claiming she always hated your mother's moustache. She returns the ring but keeps the tickets to 'Cats' you bought for her birthday. The 16th brings news of a horse auction in Shropshire.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)  
Disastrous miscalculations result in an unfortunate mix up at work, when a pastry chef from your past pops up unexpectedly. Light strife and some misgivings on the 12th.

Cancer (22 June 23 July)   
A postal strike prevents you from hearing bad news on the 19th. The moon's rising conjunctions coincide with your falling sign,venus, causing lack of suspicion and optimistic fancy. Anticipate mild wobbling on the 8th and 9th .

Leo (24 July-23 August) 
Stay away from Greek restaurants during August, as a collision with a roller-skating waitress is imminent.

Virgo (24 August-23 September)
A caustic soda accident leaves you temporarily deaf. Leave your shoes at home on the 27th.

Libra (24 September-23 October)
Although the consequences of a recent fol de rol at the Australian embassy provoke mild embarrassment, an impulsive flirtation with pigeon fancying comes to nothing on the 5th.

Scorpio (24 October-23 November)
Scorpios yearn for company as Pluto leaps over Taurus on the 7th. An abundance of seasonal vegetables causes surprise on the17th, but a timely intervention saves you from embarassment.

Saggitarius (24 November-21 December)
Your saggitarian nature demands unswerving loyalty in others, sometimes resulting in unnatural acts with geese. A small package containing an endangered species is intercepted by customs officers around the 8th, much to your relief.

©May2010 The Lyer/The Amazing Marzo