SPORT

WOOMERA THRASHING "MORAL VICTORY FOR ENGLAND" CLAIMS BASMATI

Yesterday's innings defeat by Woomera Consolidated Insurance under 17s XI, was described by captain Wally Basmati as "a moral victory" for England. Later, at the Official Woomera Cricket Club Drinking Competition where he was giving a speech, he issued the following statement:-
"It was like a battlefield out there. The Woomera players threw the ball really hard, making it difficult for our batsmen to hit. Sidebottom got one on the arm at one point, which stung quite badly. The dressing rooms were damp, which made our pads heavier, also they had been recently painted which made some of the lads feel a bit sick, especially after the chilled lager they gave us instead of tea. Our wicket keeper Taki Wakajawaka got an ice cream headache during lunch as a resul.t"

SWISH SWOOSH

"The bats were narrower than we are used to in England, and some of their players deliberately stood in places where they could catch the ball when we did manage to hit it. The Woomera wicket keeper, Bruce Wallagooner made personal remarks to our batsmen which cannot be repeated in a family paper, but I would like to reassure fans by putting the record straight. None of the lads is openly gay, or would do anything inappropriate with any kind of marsupial, let alone the one specified by Wallagooner."

MATTER OF PRIDE

"Many people have questioned my decision to declare at 59 for 7 on the first day, but for us it was a matter of pride. I shall be handing in my written report to the Aussie Cricket Board tomorrow, when I fully expect the result to be awarded to us on moral grounds."

WAR IN A BILLABONG

Team Manager Dave Barraboise added: "Some of their bowling would have been more at home in the muddy trenches of Ypres, or the heartless arenas of Ancient Rome quite frankly. The Woomera fast bowler Bruce Hogmanay kept a live budgerigar in his box, and would terrorise our players by pretending to bite its head off. . As for our sluggish performance, it is worth noting that despite the 90 degree temperatures, the Woomera players presented us with thermal underwear at their welcoming ceremony the day before, and some of the lads felt compelled to wear it out of politeness. That's why Trescothick kept fainting."